Weekend Quickie #60 (Sunday Edition)

You’ve been nominated to give the next Presidential Election Speech from your State/(Area in which you live–for those of you out of the States). Only in this Speech, your ‘hopeful’ has lost. Use the words below!


Jar of Pickles


Hairy crackers


Massage Parlor

Word Limit: 500


8 thoughts on “Weekend Quickie #60 (Sunday Edition)

  1. I’m proud that I represented the state of Arizona in this year’s Presidential election. I know many of you have fought tirelessly for our cause. Sometimes losses are hard to take. Your tears over this loss may taste salty and bitter like the brine from a jar of pickles. We had hoped to taste the fillet mignon of victory. Instead we must settle for the discarded hairy crackers of defeat. Take heart! I will continue to fight for the principles we all hold dear, and I will look gorgeous while doing it! You all know I never go anywhere without my Super Ionic 2000 hairdryer, which keeps my hair perfectly quaffed. It’s been a long campaign, and I congratulate my opponent on his victory. Go home, relax, and prepare for the next battle ahead. As for me, I’ll be heading to the massage parlor to ease the tension that I’ve been carrying from this journey. I will return refreshed and ready to make a political impact once again. Our cause will prevail, even if I have to run for Parliament instead! Goodnight and God bless America.

  2. Friends, voters, truck drivers, on this night, this sad night of our crushing defeat, I’d like to say that it has been a great honour for me to represent you in this rotten borough of Grud. Although we’ve had our troubles along the campaign road, I’m sure the little incident I had in my office with my personal assistant and a rather large hairdryer did not dampen our political hopes, we did all we could to scrape what meagre votes were available.
    And so, before I tie this concrete block to my feet and drag myself to the edge of the lake, I’d like to thank all my supporters for their fantastic efforts in getting me this far, gaining six votes and a packet of hairy crackers, and I’d especially like to thank you, Mrs. Mumblewaithe for her donation of one fascinating yet delicious jar of pickles. They certainly livened my days up in the campaign room.
    I’d also like to congratulate my opposite in winning this Parliament seat, Mr. Joshua Cecilbottom, and in his exceptional election campaign run from the backrooms of our local Vietnamese Massage Parlor. May he rub it down well.

  3. It is my unpleasant task to inform you, we lost the election. It seems that most of the country is oblivious to the cares and concerns of our beloved nation because they’ve got their heads stuck up inside their own hairdryers, and nothing matters but their own agendas, This nation isn’t simply “in a pickle”; it’s in a veritable “jar of pickles”, with more problems than one can shake a stick at. But that’s OK, as long as we can all retreat to our individual massage parlors for soothing comfort that makes it all go away for awhile. But the problems don’t go away when we turn a blind eye and immerse ourselves in physical comfort rather than facing the cold hard facts. We cannot leave important decisions to a parliament of the elite, but I’m afraid that is exactly what’s happening.

    I have played my hand and lost. I extend a heartfelt, “Thank you,” to all who voted for me, Harry Crackers. We took our best shot. I have one bit of parting advice: As individuals, you still have power to change things within your sphere of influence. No matter how small a difference you think you make, no effort to change for the better shall be in vain. Do what you can with all your heart, and never stop praying.

    Thank you again for your dedication and support..

    Now go out there and make the best of a bad situation.

    It’s still your country.

  4. My fellow citizens: I stand before you humbled and, frankly, unprepared for the seriousness of the situation. Due to those circumstances, I offered to make remarks on behalf of the candidate, who is unexpectedly detained at the moment.

    When I started as campaign manager for North Dakota Governor James Krenshaw in his run for president, I committed to someone who promised to help those who couldn’t help themselves: parents who work two jobs and only earn enough money to put hairy crackers and a jar of pickles on the table for their children. Young people who graduate from school and can’t even find a job at all.

    In those early days, I thought maybe, for once, the country had someone we could look to as a role model; the person who would return the presidency to its rightful place as the highest office in the land.

    Fortunately, people can only pretend to be someone else for so long before their true colors shine through. Luckily for us, the voters got to know the real Gov. Krenshaw before they cast their ballot and were able to make an informed and honest choice.

    Despite his best attempts to keep his true personality suppressed, the voters got to see the lunatic behind the artificial smile for the press and behind the scenes. Perhaps it was time he pitched a hissy fit during a haircut and threw a hairdryer at the salon receptionist when she wouldn’t refund his money. More than likely, it was the infamous YouTube video of the governor attempting to sneak out the back door of a non-licensed massage parlor wearing only his tie around his neck, his boxer shorts while attempting to carry his pants as he jumped into a waiting limo.

    Then, today, before the final votes were even cast, we witness breaking news as the governor is arrested for alleged misuse of funds to benefit his crooked campaign.

    The only people James Krenshaw wanted to help if and when he became president was himself, his family and the friends who helped him climb the political ladder.

    To our steadfast supporters, I offer apologies for representing one of the biggest phonies I’ve ever met.

    To our worthy opponent, I offer congratulations and the best of luck as you take on the presidency. I sincerely hope you don’t allow the ugly side of power get the best of you. Because you never know which one of your staffers will turn on his cell phone, ready to expose the truth.

    The moral of this story is: don’t piss off your campaign manager.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a red eye to Ontario. There is no hope for American government, so I plan to relinquish my US Citizenship and hope to run for a seat in Parliament one day. Good Night and God Save the Queen.

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