Weekend Quickie #105

This picture:

A gopher

A pudding cup

and

a Beaver that can not build a dam.

200 words

3 thoughts on “Weekend Quickie #105

  1. A morose Canadian beaver sat alone in a bar. The bartender named James, a farsighted pocket gopher paddled over.
    “What you sucking?” he lisped between his teeth.
    “Rum Chata, leave the cup.”
    “Rough day, eh?” the bartender asked as he retreived the pudding shot from the cold, shallow running water behind the bar.
    The beaver torn the bottom of the pudding cup of with his buck teeth, spitting the plastic away.
    “So, tell me about it.,” the gopher said. He picked up a prickly pear and bit.
    “It’s the damn dam. I’m not good at it.”
    The gopher smiled. “What’s her name?”
    The beaver looked up and sighed. “How’d ya know?”
    “I see beavers like you in here every weekend. It’s always the same.”
    “The dam’s not good. I could make it bigger, you know, to impress her. But it don’t matter.”
    “Have you tried just asking her out?”
    “Yeah. I asked her to describe her perfect date, so I’d have an idea what she likes. I willing to do anything, you know.”
    “And?”
    “She said today, like right now, tonight. She didn’t get it. That’s when I realized she didn’t give a damn about me either, not really. It hurt goph, it hurt.”

  2. A beaver was sitting on the bank of the river, crying. Along come a gopher slurping pudding from a cup, and sits down next to the beaver. “Hey, babe, what’s the matter?” Wiping the tears from her eyes, the beaver lifts her gaze to meet the gopher’s. “I’m a failure. I’ve been trying to build a dam, and I just can’t get it right.”

    The gopher licked the inside rim of the pudding cup, and glanced over at the distraught beaver, “What’s a dam?” The beaver’s eyes widened with astonishment at the very idea that this guy didn’t know what a dam was. “A dam is a carefully placed pile of sticks which blocks the flow of water in the stream so the water backs up and makes a lake.” The gopher stared blankly. “Why?” The beaver stared blankly.

    The gopher thought for a second then pondered, “Well, maybe someone will feel sorry for you, and give you one.”
    “Are you for real?”
    “Why not? “
    “Because NOBODY gives a dam!”
    “So offer them money.”
    The beaver started to cry.
    The gopher put his arm around the beaver, and whispered,
    “Oh, come on now, here, have a pudding cup.”

  3. With white knuckles, the host held his clipboard and smiled at the cameras. It was going as well as it could. Slightly above abysmal. Bob and Dave were on the jury and had a hard time holding themselves together. At any moment they could burst out laughing at the braindead answers Miss Utah was giving to the usual dull questions.
    “So, please, Carminia…” The boys cracked up at every mention of her name. “Please describe your perfect date.”
    “That would be December the 25th, when I get Christmas presents.”
    The audience didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Bob and Dave huddled together and conferred.
    “Have you seen those teeth? I’ve seen smaller teeth on a gopher,” laughed Bob.
    “And that chest of hers, I think two pudding cups would do,” said a mean Dave.
    “Oh, but hey man, has she got a beaver, or what? And I’m talking about one that can’t build a dam. She’s got more hair than a Greek Orthodox football team!”
    Dave stopped laughing. “You slept with her?”
    “Duh, yeah? And like you didn’t hide the salami with Miss Montana over there.”
    A stumpy, blind, smiling dorky girl waved over to Dave.
    “Okay, fair game.”

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