The Iron Writer Challenge #43 – 2013 Iron Writer Winter Solstice Challenge #7


The Iron Writer Challenge #43 – 2013 Iron Writer Winter Solstice Challenge #7

 Four Authors!

Four Elements!

Four Days!

500 Words!

The Authors:

A. Francis Raymond, Chris Brown, Tony Jaeger, Steve Bergeron

The Elements: 

Perry Mason

The Lone Ranger

Daisy Duke

The Bionic Woman

The Bureau of Alien Studies

A. Francis Raymond

Grlg excreted extra slime from the frontal pore of his foot. He hoped no one noticed. It was him and the four ambassadorial recruits. He’d kicked everyone else out for the day so they could work before Thhhtt, 2nd Deputy to the Undersecretary of the Bureau of Alien Studies, appeared for his weekly visit.

Grlg knew his project was under intensive scrutiny, but couldn’t fathom why. He’d devoted his life to the study of xenosociology, ever since the first electromagnetic emissions from the alien race were detected, and thought he deserved slightly more respect from the Bureau.

“If you’re going to be proper ambassadors, you’re going to have to do better,” he reminded the group. “Get back in formation. Perry, you’re first.”

The individual who had shed his birth identity to become “Perry Mason” stood in front of Grlg. Three others who had similarly given up their old selves to become aliens by the names of Lone Ranger, Daisy Duke, and Bionic Woman, stood next to him.

Grlg, the master xenologist himself, who had developed the most thorough understanding of the aliens, carefully selected the most special amongst hundreds of profiles received in the broadcasts. His research proved that these aliens communicated with each other by playing and replaying their stories over and over. Armed with this information Grlg and the rest of his race were making preparations for first contact.

Countless hours went into preparing those who would be ambassadors.

“Okay, go,” Grlg ordered.

“Now it seems to me the place to start is at the beginning,” said the Perry Mason.

The other three all stood silently.

“Really? None of you can respond?” Grlg pinched his tendrils together. He was getting an eye-ache.

“Daisy Duke, you’re next.”

“Oh fellas, y’all know that…” Daisy stepped on the foot of the Bionic Woman.

“Hey! Ouch! I’m not THAT bionic!”

Grlg pinched more. The alien bodies were awkward, he knew, but this was ridiculous.

A moment later, he caught the stench of the slime of Thhhtt. The doors swooshed open and in came the slow moving body of the second Deputy. Thhhtt slithered up alongside Grlg and said:


“Sir? Yes, we’re a little behind, but it’s not that bad…”

“No, no, Grlg. I’m referring to the latest polls. Most people think the aliens look disgusting. Me? I don’t really care what they look like. I’m anxious to get a sniff, really.”

“What would you like to see today?” Grlg asked.

Thhhtt’s scent soured. “Nothing,” he began. “I’m afraid I bring bad news. The project is canceled. All funds are reassigned.”

Everyone smelled Grlg’s shock. My life’s work! “But why?” was all he could stammer out.

“Another team continues to analyze the newly received broadcasts. There’s been an interesting evolution among the aliens. They are more hostile towards each other, for one… And these four are almost never seen anymore.”

Thhhtt prepared to depart, but not before providing orders that the four ambassadors report to the new division.

The Lone Ranger was the only one prepared to offer a farewell to Grlg: “Hi Ho Silver, away!”

The Rural Route 2 Beat

C. Bryan Brown

Having enough dollars didn’t always add up to much sense.

Randy remembered his daddy’s old gem of wisdom as he flicked his chin and bid all the money in his pocket. The auctioneer took the sum without missing a beat.

“Elevenhunnert. Somebody give me eleventwentyfive eleventwentyfive? No Bill, no Mark, going going and sold to Randy for the sum of elevenhunnert! Be sure to pay the woman behind the curtain.”

Randy let out a breath and shifted position to relieve his aching back.

“You’re a fool, Randy. That was all our money.”

He glanced at his wife, then back to the storage locker.

“Ain’t true, Lindsay. The checking account requires a five dollar minimum balance.”

“And that won’t buy us enough gas to get to bankruptcy court!”

“I got a feeling, darlin’.”

“You said that about the Mary Kay, too. I’m beginning to think your noggin’s just as disabled as your back.”

“According to them fancy machines, my brain works just fine.”

Lindsay snorted and went to pay for the locker.

Randy waded into the sea of boxes. He arranged the cardboard containers outside the locker by size and weight. Lindsay returned and pried open the first of them. She sucked in a sharp, fast breath.

“What?” Randy said, stumbling toward her. “What’d you find?”

Dear Lord, he thought, please let it be good.

“Someone’s amazing DVD collection of old television crime shows. Perry Mason and Castle. Worth a fortune, I’m sure.”

“Quit sassin’ and keep lookin’.”

Randy stacked more boxes until he’d cleaned an entire side. He found two nineteen inch television sets—one with a cracked screen—and a microwave with no cord.

C’mon. I need something—anything—to keep going for another month. Our mortgage is due and so is two grand in medical expenses.

“Find anything yet?” he called over his shoulder.

“Yeah, all kinds of wasted money.”

Randy sighed and moved another box. He spotted a brown corner poking out from under a faded blue tarp. Randy pushed the tarp aside, revealing a leather trunk. Randy’s stomach climbed into his throat. He swallowed the bean-shaped lump and pulled the trunk out, bouncing and scraping the rear corners on the ground.

“Jesus, Randy,” Lindsay said. “If there’s fragile stuff in there, it’s worthless dust now!”

She grabbed the other end, lifted, and together they carried the burden into the open.

“It’s pretty old, I think,” he said. “Steel hinges.”

“Open it already,” Lindsay said, rubbing her hands together.

Randy flipped the lock up and threw the lid open.

“Action figures?”

“Ayup,” Randy said. “Look there. The Lone Ranger and The Bionic Woman.”

Lindsay rooted around and showed Randy a Daisy Duke doll.

“Yeehaw?” Randy ventured.

“You’re my good ole boy,” Lindsay smiled. She tossed the doll back and jerked a thumb at the locker. “Let’s keep looking. There’s bound to be something in there.”

Randy nodded and went back in, making his way the only way he knew how.

Witness for the Prosecution

Steven L. Bergeron

Here I was again looking over my notes from the latest case thinking to myself why must my clients get themselves in theses predicaments. We all stood as the judge finally made her appearance.

“Mr Mason are you ready to present your case?”

“Yes I do believe we are ready your honor. We will show that who you see isn’t always who you see”  I walked to the witness stand with me hands behind my back as I began my questioning.

“So Mrs. Simpson to the best of your recollection can you tell us what you saw of November 1,2014?”

“I certainly can Mr Mason. I got out of the elevator at Warner bros studio on my way to Mr Meyers office. I had spoken to him last night at the studios Halloween party and he had asked me to stop by. They had come to an agreement to do a sequel to duke of hazard and wanted me to replies my roles as Daisy duke. As I stepped out the elevator I saw someone dressed up as the lone ranger living his office. Since Mr Depp had successfully played him in 2013 I figured it was him.”

“So you can’t positively identify him. That could have been anyone in that costume?”

“True. But as I entered his office Mr Depp’s file was sitting on his desk. As I sat down Mr Meyer’s suddenly killed over. A five inch butcher’s knife was protruding from his back.”

“At the Halloween party. Did you witness him talking to anyone out of the ordinary?”

“No just clients I presume. He was talking to Lynda carter. Apparently they were negotiating a deal for a new Wonder woman movie. Then I also seen him talking to Catherine Bach , she was wearing her old white top and short combo. Just imagine Mrs Bach at her age trying to look like her duke of hazard days. It’s just preposterous”

“That would be all, thank you Mrs. Simpson. Your honor for my next witness I call Johnny Depp.” As Mrs. Simpson stepped down the complete audience looked at one another in shock . Why would a defence attorney be calling his own client.

“So Mr Depp. Mrs Simpson just swore that she saw you leaving Mr Meyers office on the morning of November 1. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I was scheduled to see Mr Meyers, but I got so wasted at the party it took me most of that day to sober up. It could have been anyone in that lone ranger uniform. Besides words on the street the studio was more interested in having Mrs Bach to reprise her role as Daisy Duke.” Once he finished his testimony the judge returned to her office to review the testimony

 No soon had the judge dismissed the charges against Johnny Depp due to lack of evidence, Mrs .Simpson made her lunge her attack to the judge’s bench sealing her fate of guilt.

The Metal Girl

Tony Jaeger

A man sits at his computer. In spite of the fact that Linkin Park is playing from the stereo – a thing that usually brings a contented grin to his face – he looks grim. Unshaven cheeks draw downward and unbrushed teeth chew his lower lip. A task faces him, vexes him, mocks him. It is a task he’s done before, so he girds his loins and readies himself for the arduous task before him…

And logs onto Facebook to procrastinate. His ex, and a girl he’d a longtime fondness for were online. Wrapped in a quilt and sprawled out on his couch he smiles and strikes up a few conversations. He skips the pleasantries and launches into a description of why he believes ravioli is the noblest of all foods. Both women lol, likely rolling their eyes and placating him. Their lulz – the pluralization for lol, he’s determined – satisfy him and push away the loneliness he’d suddenly fabricated in his mind.

Following the lulz, both conversations settle into comfortable lulls. He realizes that he’d missed them both, but has to start working. His base of knowledge limits him from fully engaging the task, so he turns to humanity’s primary source of knowledge: Google…

And spends nine minutes looking at women in daisy dukes, having convinced himself that it was related, if only vaguely. His next quarry, Perry Mason, sent him to parts of the internet that hadn’t discovered a phenomenon called “Color,” so he logs back onto Facebook to seek the company of anyone with a pulse. As he scanned the list of friends who were currently online, his mind wandered. Devastated. That’s how he felt. He’d once touted himself the master of mental connections, but now he panicked at the question of how the hell was he supposed to connect those two, the Bionic Woman, the Lone Godforsaken Ranger and…

Ooh, a video of a six-year-old girl singing metal! His god, he thinks, that is so adorable, she’s so meta- he chokes on the word.

“That’s it!” he cries, knowing that were he on a TV show, or in some manner of story he’d have leapt from the couch, a single finger raised. As it was, he stood, walked slowly to his desk. He poised his fingers above the keyboard and started to write…

A man sits at his computer. In spite of the fact that Linkin Park is playing from the stereo – a thing that usually brings a contented grin to his face – he looks grim. Unshaven cheeks draw downward and unbrushed teeth chew his lower lip. A task faces him, vexes him, mocks him. It is a task he’s done before, so he girds his loins and readies himself for the arduous task before him…

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